


Corrections and Clarifications

by Lilliburlero



Category: Yes Minister
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Page 3, Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:02:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3215156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilliburlero/pseuds/Lilliburlero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a good day to bury bad news. And for Sir Humphrey to indulge his secret RPF habit.</p><p>*</p><p>Advisory: sexism.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Corrections and Clarifications

**Author's Note:**

> To [ideealisme's](http://ideealisme.livejournal.com/) prompt: [Pipers, and who pays 'em.](http://lilliburlero.dreamwidth.org/61161.html?thread=92393#cmt92393)

‘Ah, _excellent_.’ The Permanent Secretary wiped his thumb and forefinger across his iPad, then, tilting his head back, made the same gesture across his eyes. 

‘What’s that, Humphrey?’

‘ _The Sun_ has reinstated Page 3, Minister.’

Hacker giggled uncertainly. ‘I—er—didn’t think your tastes—’

‘The _timing_ , Minister, is fortuitous.’ He handed the device across the meeting-room table. ‘Under "We've Had A Mammary Lapse," Minister. Blonde Nicole, 22, from Bournemouth, is anxious to point out—’

‘Have your eye out, more—’ remarked Bernard. 

Sir Humphrey quelled the Principal Private Secretary with a look. 

‘Well, _I_ don’t think it good timing.’ Hacker stabbed at the screen. ‘I’m co-chairing the APPG on Sex Equality at 11am—"Approaching Healthier Representation of Women in Media"—’ He prodded again. ‘I say, Humphrey, this machine’s done something funny. This isn’t Nicole, 22—’

‘Really, Minister?’

‘No—it can’t be the _Sun_ , there aren’t any pictures.’ Hacker frowned, turned over and shook the tablet as if the action might redistribute the aluminium powder behind the screen. The high sheen of the table reflected red and white. He flipped it back over and frowned, shaking his head. ‘Archive of Our—Harry Styles-oblique-Louis Tomlinson Liam Payne-oblique-Zayn M—what’s _omegaverse_ , Humphrey?’ 

Sir Humphrey extended an uncannily steady hand. ‘Give that to me, Minister. _Now_ , please, Minister. Bernard, that ingenuous look is neither convincing nor prepossessing. Let us return to the substance of this meeting.’ 

‘What _is_ the substance of this meeting, Humphrey?’

‘Ah. Well. I think I had remarked that it was serendipitous that notice would be focussed on this aspect of that particular organ’s, ah, output— _Bernard_ , control yourself—’

‘And I said I didn’t see how, because the whole APPG agenda will have to be re-set and Diane’s going to be even more—more _strident_ than usual—’

‘The agenda has been taken care of, Minister, as have the minutes. And this afternoon’s speech to the young ladies of the Frobë-Kapetyn Free Academy. Our new intern—you’ve met Unity Logan, haven’t you, Minister?—is a perfect little treasure. _As_ I was saying.  _The Sun_ ’s renewal of its commitment to feminine _déshabillé_ has absorbed an inordinate, but advantageous proportion of the public’s attention, meaning that there is only a very slender portion of that limited commodity available for reflection upon the _other_ matter concerning the august publication in question—are you following, Minister?’

‘Yes—well. In a manner of speaking. Perhaps you could get to the point sometime before lunch, Humphrey?’ 

‘Yes, Minister. The re-trial of the _Sun_ journalists accused of making payments to public employees begins today, and as you know, some of the implicated officials, painful as it is to admit, fall, at least technically, within the purview of this department. It could be very embarrassing, Minister, if anyone happened to _make something_ of this unfortunate circumstance, considering your laudable stance on Transparency and Accountability.’

‘Oh. Yes. I see. And you think Nicole’s—ah—assets—will be a sufficient distraction?’ 

‘We hope so, Minister. There’s a lot riding on them— _Bernard_ , I shan’t ask you again not to make that uncouth noise in the Minister's presence.’

Hacker’s dark brows drew together. ‘Mm. In that case, I suppose I can probably stomach an hour or so of the Fawcett Society harridans. Take one for the team, as the kids say. Bernard, make sure Unity has a discreet supply of paracetamol. Humphrey?’

‘Yes, Minister?’

‘You didn’t have anything—to _do_ with this, did you?’

‘ _Do_ , Minister?’

‘I mean, it seems suspiciously _convenient_ , both for ourselves and the newspaper.’

‘I can’t think what you mean, sir. A cordial relationship with the nation’s most influential newspaper is of course not to be _derided_ , Minister, but we in the Civil Service don’t concern ourselves unduly with such ephemera. It is a popular misconception, as I’m sure the _Sun_ ’s erstwhile head of news could tell you, that _he who pays the piper calls the tune_. Usually, Minister, he who pays the piper simply advertises his deplorable taste in music. Much better to identify points of mutual interest, common purpose, and with those in mind pursue—’  

‘One Direction?’ Bernard interjected with an almost inhuman sweetness, blinking at a rate marginally short of that which could reasonably be described as a flutter of the eyelids.

‘—shared aims, for the general commonweal. Bernard, I believe we have not yet fully discussed the recommendation made in your annual review for promotion to the Department of Work and Pensions. Perhaps you would like to do so in my office, as soon as you’ve briefed Miss Logan for the APPG?’

Bernard did not look particularly chastened. ‘Very well, Sir Humphrey.'

‘Good. Well—Minister, I think that that’s all we need to discuss for the moment—unless—’

‘No, Humphrey, that’ll be all.’ 

Flaring his nostrils and favouring the company with one of his more Archaic smiles, Sir Humphrey picked up the iPad, tucked it fastidiously into its buff kidskin case, and made a conspicuously dignified exit.

‘ _Well_ ,’ said Hacker, ‘was it something I said?’

‘No, Minister. I don’t think it was something _you_ said.’

‘Do _you_ know what _omegaverse_ is, Bernard?’  

‘I’m not sure I should, Minister—’

‘If you won’t tell me, I’ll Google—’

‘Oh, God, no. I mean. Well, Minister, in that case—’ Bernard said hurriedly, then ground to a stymied halt. ‘—Er. I suppose we’d better start from the beginning. Have you ever heard of _fanfiction_?’

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a bit of silliness, but it does refer to a couple of events current at the time of writing, viz. (first link goes to _The Sun_ website with picture of bare-breasted model) [_The Sun_ 's reinstatement of topless Page 3 models after a brief hiatus](http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/page3/6284653/Clarifications-and-corrections-Page-3.html) and [the prosecution of _Sun_ journalists for making payments to public officials](http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jan/22/four-sun-journalists-accused-corrupt-payments-retrial). 
> 
> APPG: All-Party Parliamentary Group.


End file.
